Here’s to the Future

I decided I am very over Michigan! The weather is cold and crappy and there is way too much snow. I see no good coming from staying in Michigan. I know it’s probably colder there, but I am going to college in New York. I’ve dreamt about living in New York for years now. It’s time I follow my own dreams, and make ME happy. It won’t be easy, but from now on I am going to put myself FIRST!

By totalrampaige Posted in Life

So Cold

And I’m not just referring to the weather, however I could rant for weeks about how ridiculous Michigan weather has been lately!! I am more than ready for Spring.

On a more serious note…I am talking about the recent frozen state of my heart.

I hate winter with a fiery passion that burns deep inside my soul. Everything dies in winter. The plants, my Dad died in December, the sun. Everything is just cold and lifeless. BOO!! December is always the hardest month for me. Holidays and all…and Dad died two days after Christmas three years ago. It’s not a good time. I had my boyfriend (Kyle) and my favorite band (Breaking Benjamin) to get me through the long month of December.

HOWEVER, January has proven itself to be just as hard. I have a psychotic ex. He likes to tell me how worthless I am, and how the world would be better off without me. Well that just adds to my depression. -for the record I seem to be more depressed this year than expected- I am losing my grip.

My self-esteem has taken a shit. No I mean its gone. All of it. Just like that. Down a landslide into the abyss never to be seen again.

I just want to let go.

I’m slipping into a numbness I’m unsure if I’ll ever make it out of.

Someone’s gotta help me.

I gotta be more than a loss cause.

By totalrampaige Posted in Life

2013 is FINALLY Coming to a Close!!

Hello fellow bloggers!!

I owe all you a GIGANTORIC apology. (yes I just made that word up on the spot!)  I haven’t blogged faithfully in MONTHS!! What a shame! Well guess what?!

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

  1. Lose 20 pounds
  2. Work out faithfully
  3. GRADUATE
  4. BLOG DAILY (that’s right…EVERYDAY a new post from yours truly)
  5. Get back on track with my FAITH!

Let’s see if I can do it, with all of your support of course!! (:

I decided I would love some new ideas to blog about.. if you have a topic about… throw it in the comment box. I’ll go in order down the list…be not afraid…I plan to be brutally honest in each post. (:

Love you guys!!!

By totalrampaige Posted in Life

Consider me gone

Well Jerrell texted me yesterday after five days missing. His text was nothing special just a simple, “Heyyy.” Oh it infuriated me!! We had a not-so-lovely chat last night, and after spending the entire night awake in my room I have decided that dating is a waste of time. 

Remember that day we spent together in the jeep? He told me nothing but lies that day. He told me I was the only one, he loved me, even mentioned running away together. HA! That boy wouldn’t know what love is if it hit him upside the head like a brick. 

Yesterday he told me he missed me, wanted to come see me, but that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I was totally fine with that. He had only been single for eight months after getting out of a five year relationship. What I was not okay with is what his “sister” Ashley had to say. 

I will just go ahead and type these texts because in all honesty there’s no other way to put it. Why not just be straight up?! I got this text from Ashley around 1am this morning. 

Hey so umm Jerrell has a new girlfriend and that’s why he wasn’t responding because he doesn’t know how to tell you without you getting hurt. I just found out because he’s dating one of my friends../: so im really sorry! 

 

Explain to me how I am not supposed to be pissed after reading this! So I texted Jerrell and asked him about it and to sum up his response he denied it.

Now either he is lying to me or Ashley is. 

I don’t like being lied to, and I really just want to know the truth so I can move on. He told me that this is exactly why he went MIA because he didn’t want to deal with the stress of a relationship. Well buddy, you should have thought of that before you told me you loved me.

I’m not trying to sound like one of those psycho ex girlfriends, but this all happened with in a time frame of a month. The breakup, the night in the jeep, him standing me up on my birthday, the disappearance, and now this. Actually, all this happened in the past two weeks. 

I have apologized for being a “bitch.” I did this because I am honestly afraid that if I didn’t apologize for being so upset we wouldn’t even have a conversation about this. That’s all I want. I just want to know the truth, and to understand everything. I want closure so I can move on. 

Is that really too much to ask for? 

 

 

Please, I need advice. I am at a total loss of what to do right now. I’m tired of hurting and giving him 100% only to receive 10% back. Help!! 

By totalrampaige Posted in Life

MIA

The past four days have been nothing but chaos! Jerrell has up and went missing. No one has heard from him or seen him since the bonfire on Saturday night. This is getting ridiculous. I wasn’t sure if I should be pissed or worried because he’s blowing everyone off. I decided on worried because people don’t just disappear for four days without contacting someone. 

His “sister” Ashley and I have been trying to get a hold of him since Saturday. He’s blown off all of our texts, calls, and plans.

I feel sick to my stomach.

His brother, Greggory, said he hasn’t even seen Jer’s jeep in the driveway since before Saturday. I will keep you posted. Well, I will try to anyway. I haven’t had much time to accomplish anything lately, I’ve been to busy trying to find my missing boyfriend.

I hope he’s safe!

Please pray!!

Thanks! 

By totalrampaige Posted in Life

Life is a Song Unending

My birthday is tomorrow! Just thought I would announce that even though it has nothing to do with the topic of this post. 

Let’s get down to business. (to defeat the HUNS)  

No, not to defeat the Huns. Back to reality. 

 

If you watched the cover of Where I  Stood by Missy Higgins that I posted–don’t even lie to me I know you didn’t. I do pay attention to my stats– then you would–okay I’m not even going to finish that sentence because well, none of you watched it. I bring this up because there is a talent show at school today. I sincerely regret not auditioning for it. However, I know that I would have choked anyway. 

I have learned over the past four months that singing is a gift, and can be lost. I like to think of it as similar to math: if you don’t practice then you lose the ability. I haven’t been practicing weekly like I did when I was in youth band. This has seriously put a damper on things. >.< 

I want to be heard. I want my music to touch people. I want those who are hurting to know that they aren’t alone in their suffering, and others have struggled with similar battles. Everyone has the responsibility of carrying their own cross; however, I want people to know that through my music I am walking with them every step of the way.  

The very reason I started writing in the sixth grade was because of the pain I had endured at a very young age. I started singing in the eighth grade when I realized that I could reach more people through music. I developed a burning passion for music, and some of the stuff that’s out there today saddens me. It seems as if pop culture music and took a dive off the deep end. A song with a good beat will be more popular than one with good lyrics. Music replenishes the soul on a level we are never conscious of. 

I will leave you with this last thought: Even if a song has a happy beat if the lyrics are degrading then it sends subliminal messages to your brain. These messages subconsciously make us aware that something isn’t right, and in the end, can make us feel worse.  

 

By totalrampaige Posted in Life

Stuck in Neutral

My birthday is officially nine days away!

I keep thinking of things I want, but when it comes down to it I really only want to play my music. I want to be heard.

My guitar is in very rough shape right now. It was my grandpa’s guitar that he gave me before he passed. I need to replace the strings, bridge, and tuning pegs. Most importantly, I need to take lessons.

I write lyrics all the time, and its frustrating not to be able to sing due to lack of music.

So, for my birthday, that’s really all I want.

To be heard.

By totalrampaige Posted in Life

Dancing the night away? Or…not so much…

April 13, 2013.

This Saturday was no routine Saturday for any of the upperclassmen at Fowler High School. Nope! This day was Prom!! Only I had to miss it.

Now, I am not complaining too much because my cousin got married Saturday. Weddings are beautiful. In fact, I might decide to become a wedding planner. (Who knows, maybe I’ll even score a happily-ever-after with Matthew McConaughey)

Anyway, my date to the wedding (if you read previous post “I just want to be the only girl you love all your life…” then you know who I am talking about) bailed! So here I am all fancied-up and I don’t even get to dance! Well, not with my date anyway. I did; however, dance with my cousin.

It took me more than two hours to get ready for this wedding. I wanted to feel beautiful because I knew that while I was at my cousin’s wedding, my classmates would be dancing the night away in their expensive, formal dresses.

Below is a picture of me right before we left for the wedding.

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Again I was really upset about missing prom. When I was told I could take Jerrell to the wedding I was filled with joy. I would be able to spend the night with my boy at a wedding, one of the most beautiful experiences to witness, and still be able to dance with him. However, as I mentioned before, he ditched me.

This is me dancing with my cousin Jillian.

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Well this night made me realize that I am ONLY 16, and while in 13 short days I will be 18, I am still a kid. I have been spending so much time chasing forever when all I need to do is embrace today.

So even though things between Jerrell and I aren’t turning out as I had hoped I am happy with my life, and where I stand right now.

By totalrampaige Posted in Life